TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are speaking Damascus, town Traditionally known for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be large. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and fully out of area. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have A further place exactly where American Guys can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although former negotiations failed underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is easier: offer you everyone a collection to the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be comfortable electric power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in each device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in the war zone. It truly is that he ought to stop using it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regard to the task, replied, "You understand, man, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Very good folks. Great tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head noticeable from House, a aspect staying promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and also the chin is… very well, categorised.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits just after obtaining the constructing's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It really is not simply unattractive. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Baffling Functions


Perhaps the strangest factor on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where by company may perhaps ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local weather Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They Will Come"


The advert marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Without end."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "the place's the closest elevator on the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is now attracting focus from Intercontinental investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also contain:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to determine a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge wherever my PTSD might have switch-down provider."


One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Feelings in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave it all three. You are welcome."

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